It's true that trauma resurfaces annually. Since the start of May, I have been having unsettling feelings and thoughts of self harm. Not that I would ever actively plan on taking my life, but there were days when life seemed bleak and pointless, and there's that prevalent overpowering sense of imminent loss. Even the slightest of triggers would bring back memories of the worst moments..of ICU rooms, of hospital smells, of the doctor fumbling for the right words to deliver bad news, of near death experiences, of waiting outside the morgue for what seemed like aeons, of helplessly watching the nurses trying to resuscitate a loved one... I relived all of that a thousand times over in the past month. But through my grief, I seem to have found a way to reconnect with the wanderer in me.... The one that never gets dull and can find the energy within to stray off into daydreams at the hardest of times. This is also the part that has helped me be creative. I don't want to jinx it, but I seem to be functional again. It does help that I now have a bat-cave to escape into, stay disconnected from everything, and journey inward. Thought I'd share this pic from a couple of years back when we were all happier. When I'm in my studio, cut off from the world, my subconscious resets to joyful times. It makes me feel that there'll always be sunshine and rainbows outside the door when I open it and that all my favourite people will still be with me. Yes, I'm a walking, talking dichotomy of rational and delusional thoughts and I'm learning to accept that about myself.
