Reconnecting

 It's true that trauma resurfaces annually. Since the start of May, I have been having unsettling feelings and thoughts of self harm. Not that I would ever actively plan on taking my life, but there were days when life seemed bleak and pointless, and there's that prevalent overpowering sense of imminent loss. Even the slightest of triggers would bring back memories of the worst moments..of ICU rooms, of hospital smells, of the doctor fumbling for the right words to deliver bad news, of near death experiences, of waiting outside the morgue for what seemed like aeons, of helplessly watching the nurses trying to resuscitate a loved one... I relived all of that a thousand times over in the past month. But through my grief, I seem to have found a way to reconnect with the wanderer in me.... The one that never gets dull and can find the energy within to stray off into daydreams at the hardest of times. This is also the part that has helped me be creative. I don't want to jinx it, but I seem to be functional again. It does help that I now have a bat-cave to escape into, stay disconnected from everything, and journey inward. Thought I'd share this pic from a couple of years back when we were all happier. When I'm in my studio, cut off from the world, my subconscious resets to joyful times. It makes me feel that there'll always be sunshine and rainbows outside the door when I open it and that all my favourite people will still be with me. Yes, I'm a walking, talking dichotomy of rational and delusional thoughts and I'm learning to accept that about myself. 

Remember remember...the 26th of November

There is a clear political divide in India right now, and many individuals including me, who have chosen to remain apolitical for most of our lives, are now finding ourselves on the left of the divide. For most of us, the realisation came when we got branded ‘sickular’, ‘libtard’, anti-national, or urban naxal when we questioned the efficacy of a government policy or expressed our disagreement about something that we believed was unconstitutional. 

I have tried, in my discourses, to steer clear of the popular derogatory terms used to describe an individual on the ‘other side’, because in all honesty, the ‘other side’ does not exist except in our heads. It didn’t for me until I was called names. But I have called people out on their blatant bigotry because that’s the least one can do about something so divisive. It becomes a serious threat to the nation when the bigotry comes from a political party elected by the majority. Not every individual that voted for them share their political agenda, but it’s natural for most of them to feel obliged to defend every misstep and every faux pas of their elected representatives. This would still have been a dangerous situation even if there were no impending economic collapse. 

I do not follow any organised religion. I haven’t pledged my allegiance to any political party. But I have been a strong believer of the values on which this nation has been built. Yes, I have read the Constitution and can recite the preamble without looking it up on google. It’s the closest I have to a religious scripture. My father’s father fought for this country’s freedom, my mother’s father served in the Indian Navy, and I adore them both. I am saying all this here because someone said under one of my posts that was being circulated that I am a 'snooty pseudo secular artist' who makes social media posts to garner ‘likes’ and ‘followers’. The people who follow me on social media either know me personally or follow me for my art. I do not owe anyone any justification for what I do on my social media pages. But I believe that I have a basic duty to raise my voice to defend what I consider, for a true Indian, to be above all religious and political biases. 

Let’s agree that things are being done in bad taste on both sides of the political divide and if this continues, there will be irreparable damage to the unity and integrity of our nation. We need to stop our urge to fight hatred with hatred. Let’s reason, and base our arguments on facts. Calling names will only antagonise the one you’re speaking to/about and will only widen the divide. In most cases, these words we fling at each other are lazy oversimplifications. Let’s hear each other out before we pick up weapons. Let's fight clean if it comes down to a fight. And irrespective of what we stand for, let’s once again remember our promise to this nation: 

“WE, THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a SOVEREIGN SOCIALIST SECULAR DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC and to secure to all its citizens

JUSTICE, social, economic and political;

LIBERTY of thought, expression, belief, faith, and worship;

EQUALITY of status and of opportunity; 

and to promote among them all

FRATERNITY assuring the dignity of the individual and the UNITY and INTEGRITY of the Nation;

IN OUR CONSTITUENT ASSEMBLY this 26th day of November 1949, do HEREBY ADOPT, ENACT AND GIVE TO OURSELVES THIS CONSTITUTION”.

2020!

After months of being a happy caveman, I stepped out of my house last week to catch up with some friends I haven't seen in a while and to spend some time talking to a few young artists who have been reaching out through social media. It was indeed a refreshing change and it gave my drawing hand it’s much needed rest-day. We talked about a whole lot of things from movies and comics, to politics, to wildlife, and most importantly, about the boon and bane of making an independent career out of your creative hobby. So as an aftermath to that, with the decade coming to a close, here’s some not-entirely-unsolicited advice to all of you who are either starting out on your journey as independent artists or are somewhere in the middle and on the verge of feeling disillusioned and are questioning your choices. 

Trying to be 100% candid here. An independent creative career can be either a blessing or an absolute curse. As Jordan Peterson puts it, most artists do not know how to monetise their creativity. The overwhelming probability is that you will fail. But a small portion of creative people succeed spectacularly. So it is like a lottery in some sense. 

Up until a few years back, whenever someone asked me if it was a good idea to let go of a secure but unsatisfying job and take a leap of faith as I did at the start of my career, I would immediately quip, “Go right ahead!”, and go on to quote Neil Gaiman - “…And sometimes when you fall, you fly”. As romantic as the notion of flying is, let’s be practical here. Not everyone who takes the leap lands on their feet on the other side. I may have misled some of you in the past by not stating the entire quote. The quote, in its entirety goes “Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes when you fall, you fly”. There’s some unpleasant realty in the first part of it.
Most often the fall will either wake you up or kill you. 

I am not saying this to discourage new artists. Instead, what I want you to do is tackle this the smart way. Not everyone would have a safety net in the form of extremely supportive parents and relatives, close friends who believe in you and encourage you, an understanding partner, or a sound enough bank balance that would pay your bills till you land your first relevant art gig. I had been lucky and privileged enough to have these and that made it easier for me to take risks many others wouldn’t. What I fail to mention often are the two years of corporate job and four years of creative job that I did before deciding to be an independent artist. I never talk about the numerous friends and relatives I temporarily (or perhaps permanently) cut off from my life over the years just because they were knowingly or unknowingly bringing me down. Beyond their nay saying, and lack of belief in the path that I was on, many of them had been very dear to me and some of them were speaking out of genuine concern. What I mean to say to you young ones is that there is no honour lost in taking up a job that would keep your body and soul together while you hone your skills and it doesn’t make you selfish if you want to avoid negativity during trying times. Get out of toxic relationships. The fight ahead is already full of hard choices- so choose your battles wisely

Hone your skills enough to make them worth charging by the hour. And of course, do not tie your earnings to the number of hours you work because that is a sure shot way to failure. Instead tie it to the hours you spend polishing your craft. Also you don’t want to work yourself to death…which brings me to the second important thing I want to tell you. 

Stay active, eat healthy, rest well, make your body stronger and mind more peaceful. A little less substance abuse, maybe? (or none at all!). In the past couple of years we have lost so many of our fellow artists, before their time, to bad lifestyle. 

Lastly, be woke and be socially and environmentally responsible. Be vehemently political when the world turns unjust, apathetic, and oppressive. We are about to step into a decade where words such as “Liberal”, “Secular”, “Environmentalist" and “Feminist” have been reduced to abusive epithets. Wear these badges with pride. Thousands of artists have stood up for their convictions and shaped our collective consciousness over centuries. Let the voice of the oppressed and downtrodden be heard through your art and your words. No one has the right to undo the progress we’ve made as a self-aware empathetic species. 

Have a splendid 2020. Now back I go into my cave.

That customary turn of the decade selfie. 
Yes, I have grown older.
Yes, I could use more sleep...
And yes, that's enough of my mug for a year. 
Back to art now.

Yesterday, a certain friend and well-wisher of mine who insists on being called a 'fan' asked me why I have become a lot more media-shy over the years. To be frank, that I haven’t been talking much about what I do for a living hardly has anything to do with my media shyness. When you’ve been doing something for a while, it’s not just your craft that evolves but also why you do what you’ve chosen to do for a living. 

Art, to me, is no longer just the means for a quick buck or glory. I have gone back to loving the process of attempting new things, at times failing, and always learning on the go. Also as you grow older you become more streamlined and your priorities change with it. It’s a little like how when you’re younger, the only reason you work out is to look good naked. As you grow older, you work out because it helps you feel good and function better. Looking good naked is just a bonus. The moment that becomes a priority, the need to feel good and function better just adds to the overall pressure.

Yes, I’ve turned down a few interviews of late and said no to several projects, and that’s only because right now isn’t the time for gloating in mediocre achievements. There is quite a lot to be done, and I promise that when the time is right I will not shy away. As the saying goes - To everything, there is a season.

Here's wishing you all a creative 2019

-Kish

Instagram: @kishoremohan

Art Blog: kishoremohan.blogspot.com

Rain-washed

I find comfort in the rain. Always have. Feels as though nature is washing the guilt off all of humanity while you and I sit comfortably behind the wheel, driving through well-washed suburban streets. I love how the red break lights from the vehicles ahead bleed onto the wet tarmac. May be I should turn off climate control and roll down the window a bit. What’s that fragrance I’m groping for?…ah!…Petrichor! But I don’t find any. Outside, by the streetlight, I see four heads sticking out from a gap between the slabs on top of the drain . A beady eyed mom and her three pups sat helpless in the water, getting drenched, not knowing what else to do.  Water level had risen and they could no longer find shelter under the slabs. Suddenly, I don’t feel so comfortable anymore. Should have just stayed indoors, sipping on some hot chocolate, continuing to believe that everything is peachy

Rage

We may have evolved, but our ideas of gender have not evolved. As an adolescent, I’ve had the toughest time identifying myself as a feminist, solely because the word did not sound gender-neutral enough to me. I used to argue that we should all instead be ‘equalists'! But one look at the things happening in the world around us was good enough to understand why the word sounds just the way it must. I know it is not a good thing to spew rage first thing in the morning, but that is just what I’m about to do. I am angry. You too should be. 

When the city of Bangalore celebrated the new year’s eve by assaulting and groping our women, lawmakers and politicians came out to defend the assailants, saying that the women brought it on themselves by "copying the Westerners”. Apparently our women are deviating from the Indian culture and hence deserve no better. 

If a woman wears short skirts, lip gloss, and high heels, it is for herself. It is in no way an invitation for depraved men to come and grope her. Sadly, we - men and women alike - are products of a society that has taught us that a man is more important than a woman. So it’s easy for our elected representatives to say “But these things happen all the time. It’s no big deal!” and to make lewd remarks like “Women are like sugar and men are ants”. And when these ignorant, idiotic ‘leaders’ say so, they are also nurturing a whole new generation of chauvinists, bullies, and rapists. Of course I am angry. Why shouldn’t I be? But I am also hopeful. A feminist world is a fairer one where everyone, irrespective of gender, gets equal opportunities, respect, and treatment. But knowing something intellectually isn’t the same as feeling it emotionally. I am a feminist, married to a feminist, and I live in a feminist household. I know I am not the only one. It’s time for us to spread our influence and start healing the world one person at a time

As seasons go by

I have stopped enjoying blatant self promotion. That is the reason why a lot of what I do don't make it to my blogs anymore. Which brings me to a paradox, because it was all the shameless promotion of what I can do that jump-started my career as an artist and set me off on this trajectory. But, to be frank, it is no longer about the struggle to prove my worth as an artist. I seem to have matured a little and I can finally afford to take a breather and go back to just enjoying what I do. But for those interested to know what's happening on the work/personal front, my Instagram is quite active.

All that's happening in the world today is bound to cause disillusionment. It's so easy to lose faith in humanity and crave for detachment. I've been backpacking through strange lands, thumbing rides, and pitching tents on unfamiliar grounds in the past month with Merryn, Rohith, and Sneha (see pic below). No Thanks to demonetization, the money we had on us had little practical use in places without internet or ATMs. It was through sheer luck and the kindness of complete strangers that we made it back to civilization. Instead of feeling detached, I now feel closer to humanity in a way I never thought possible

With that comes the urge to give back to humanity. I believe it's time to move out of my comfort zone and start sharing the tricks of trade I've picked up on the way while working on my craft. While it may be way too early to call myself a mentor, it might be a good time for me to start internalizing my approach to art. Trying to explain how or why I do things the way I do them could also gain me some perspective and help me recognise what I need to do to move on to the next level. Looking back on my work from a few years back, I get great pleasure when I see that I've improved. I hope that I never stop learning, and that someday not so far away, I can look back on what I'm doing right now and see that I've progressed further.